In November last year I attended a marriage seminar at The international Christian Centre by an American couple whose names I forget. They turned theirs from a hateful marriage filled with violence and despair to a happy one. May you also, with the help of God, can.
Today I went through my notes and would like to share some of the secrets to marital paradise.
- Triumphant realism.Leave the fantasy behind. Embrace realism depending on whom you married. You are all flawed people. This will not be easy but God can make you mutually happy and whole for life. Apologise first. Start talking first after an argument. Initiate sex first. Show your love by what you do. How are you making your spouse’s life easier? Find what your man/woman likes and do it happily. Be gentle in the way you speak. Are you sarcastic, critical, abusive?
2. A redemptive spirit. Damaged people carry a heavy burden of pain, anger, hurt and despair. Usher each other into the presence of God. Submit to God first, individually. You are no good to nobody if you are not whole. Return to your first love with Jesus Christ. Troubled marriages need spiritual renewal to get rid of hardness of heart and unforgiveness. The Holy Spirit in you will help you know how to minister to your husband.
Don’t give up on your self or your partner as God doesn’t give up on you. Then go to your spouse and reconcile the conflicts that divide you. Forgive him for his failures and wrong choices. That will probably move you out of your comfort zone. Next begin to provoke your spouse to love by deliberate godly actions. Love stirs up a reaction.
What have you done that has offended your spouse? What have you neglected to do that you’ve been asked many times to remember? Are you loving your spouse the same way you have been loved by God?
3. A passion that lasts. A passionate marriage is the result of investment, not chemistry. How and where you spend your time shows where your passion lies. You reap what you sow, where you sow, and more than you sow. Sow into your marriage. Show diligence in your marriage. Every forgotten action is an act of laziness. When is the last time you had a date together? Do you recognise your mate’s achievements? Have you neglected to pray together? If you show attention, the fire will never go out.
Deliberate actions can also cause the fire to go out in a marriage. These include:
- Verbal abuse
- Criticising or mocking when you talk.
- Physical abuse
- Refusing to have sex to punish
- Acting harshly or rudely
- Flirting with someone else
- Vows broken by adultery
Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. James 1:19
4. Be best friends. A friend loves at all times. Be his/her enthusiastic and vocal supporter. Be a cheer leader for your husband. Be his friend and his lover, not his mother. Love him for who he is and where he is at, rather than his potential.
5. Ultimate sexual fulfillment. Honour each others needs and desires. The goal is mutual satisfaction. Sex for a man is a legitimate physical need like food or rest. Well, and frequent sex has been linked to less aggressive prostrate cancer. Your husband’s sex drive is God’s gift to you. It was intended for you. A virtuous woman can use the power of sex to call men to virtue and morality. A feeling of guilt is an indication that something’s wrong in your marriage.
6. The serpent expelled. Satan wants to destroy the family unit. Fight to save the marriage and win.
7. Prayer, partnership and purpose. These will bring you to your secret paradise. Stop expecting your husband to think like a woman. Our husband’s differences are intended for our growth. Make your home his safe place. Investigate what he thinks, feels, hopes, fears.Believe in him and intercede to the Lord on his behalf.Take your husband’s dream and birth it out in prayer.
Focus on your growth in the Lord, not his. Minister to him. Don’t take over; continue to refer to him about how he wants things done. The key to unlocking the potential in a man is to treat him with respect long before he deserves it.
Make your husband to enjoy being home with the family. Make your home a place of laughter and peace. Your diner table is your ministry ground. Use that time to know what your husband and kids are thinking.
Be in the word of God as if your life depended on it. And trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he shall direct your paths.